As a mom, I have learned that with parenting come many lessons to learn. The other day, my father-in-law came to stay the night with us while on a business trip. He was going to be arriving after my son's bed time, so I told Owen he would have a surprise in the morning when he woke up. He cheered and went to bed very excited. He was awake early that morning and had obviously been anticipating the surprise because he asked right away when I walked in his room if his surprise was here. I said it was and he asked if it was certain engines he had been asking for from the 'Thomas and Friends' collection. I told him it wasn't and took him downstairs to see 'Pops' and though he was happy to see him, he seemed distracted. My father-in-law told him there was something in the living room for him and Owen ran excitedly to see what the 'real' surprise was. The gift was a book, which Owen normally loves, but he looked very disappointed and was fighting back tears. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he wanted 'Bash, Dash and Ferdinand.' My heart broke for him. He had apparently interpreted that the surprise was these engines and was sad when it didn't pan out the way he had hoped. He eventually rebounded and loves the book, but the initial disappointment was deep.
At that moment, I felt for him. That same morning, I had found out that I was not pregnant for the 10th time in as many months. I was sorely disappointed. No matter how many times I have that happen, I still anticipate ahead of time and am discouraged after. As I watched my son's reaction, I felt God speaking to me. What I saw in my reaction to my son's situation was God's. We usually feel upset and angry when we don't get what we want or especially what we are promised. I think we do because we feel like God is indifferent to our disappointment and heartache, but I don't believe He is. When Owen's lip came out and he fought for composure, I wanted nothing more than to make him feel better and pull out the engines I have stashed away for birthday gifts. They aren't what he was hoping for but I didn't like seeing him so sad. I didn't do that, and God won't either. He won't give us less than what He has promised us or give it to us at the wrong time. I believe He hurts with us. He wants us to trust and rely on Him, but I don't think He's saying, "Get over it". He feels what we are feeling, but He knows what will come from the disappointment and the waiting.
The other thing I learned from this was that we often anticipate or expect certain things in our lives that are not what God wants for us and miss out on the things He does have for us. We tend to see ourselves as the director of our lives even as we follow God, interpreting verses like Jeremiah 29:11 in our own words. Instead of 'For I know the plans I have for you..." we subconsciously thing 'For I know (Not God) what would make me happy..." Just like my son overlooked the blessing in a new book in his own idea of what the perfect gift would be, we can often overlook unsolicited, unrequested blessings from God in looking for what we think we want and need in our lives. Sometimes the blessing is nothing more than a change in our perspective, attitude or faith. Sometimes that comes through difficult situations. Yes,we should dream, dream big even, but we need to also keep our eyes on what God has for us. He wants good for us, He wants us to be like Him, and He knows what will happen.
As I looked at my own situation in wanting another pregnancy to happen, I have to remind myself that He made a promise to me and He will fulfill that in His time and His way. He has a perfect time for every person to be born and that's His prerogative. It doesn't necessarily make it easier, but it keeps me focused on Him. Will I stop being disappointed with negative pregnancy tests? Probably not, but I will continue to turn back to Him. Because He has plans and they're better than anything I could ever think or imagine.
