Drawing Circles

What I am about to write is a story written in the middle. There is no ‘happily ever after’ - yet. We know the beginning and the 'end', but are stuck right in the middle where all the suspense lies. Recently, our pastor recommended a book for our congregation to read called, ‘The Circle Maker’ by Mark Batterson. My husband and I decided to read and study it together. This is the synopsis of the book:

'Drawing prayer circles around our dreams isn't just a mechanism whereby we accomplish great things for God. It's a mechanism whereby God accomplishes great things in us.' Do you ever sense that there's far more to prayer, and to God's vision for your life, than what you're experiencing? It's time you learned from the legend of Honi the Circle Maker---a man bold enough to draw a circle in the sand and not budge from inside it until God answered his prayers for his people. What impossibly big dream is God calling you to draw a prayer circle around? Sharing inspiring stories from his own experiences as a circle maker, Mark Batterson will help you uncover your heart's deepest desires and God-given dreams and unleash them through the kind of audacious prayer that God delights to answer.

The concept in this book rang true to us for many reasons, but there is one in particular that is prominent in our minds. We have one child and have been trying for over a year to have another pregnancy. Medical professionals would call me ‘infertile’ after a year with no success, but there is something we are holding on to. We feel very strongly that God has promised us twins.

I said we knew the beginning, so let me tell you about it. I have wanted twins since I was very young. My first memories of kindergarten involve being disciplined for refusing to share a set of identical dolls in our classroom. I tried to explain to the teacher that they were my twins and therefore could not be separated, but she didn’t buy it and I was forced to share my twins. I held a fascination for twins throughout my childhood, asking for a set of twin Cabbage Patch Dolls when they became available and receiving a set as a Christmas present one year. As I told people that I desired twins, they would ask why and I began to come up with reasons why although the reasons didn’t feel right.

In my late 20s, still single, I enjoyed watching TLC’s ‘Baby Stories’ and while watching it one day, I saw a woman deliver twins. I teared up, and at that time, I received the first assurance from God that I would have twins. It was then that I realized that my desire for twins was not from me, but from God. Just last November, while at a womens’ retreat at my church, I received a second assurance of twins. At that time, we had been trying for a second pregnancy for 8 months with no success. I discussed it with my husband, realizing that he didn’t understand the depth of my desire to have twins. Although he didn’t hear the promises himself, he now believes it too.

The struggle with not getting pregnant has not been an easy road, even with this promise in my pocket. I have felt a bit like I have a split personality - one that firrnly believes the promise and one that keeps eyes fixed on the physical reality. You see, it was very easy to get pregnant with our son. It took 2 months and we were expecting our first child. I expected it to happen the same the second time, but it hasn’t. Shortly before we started the process, my body began to change its usual pattern and became completely unpredictable, making it very difficult to plan for pregnancy to occur. I expected a positive pregnancy test ever month, falling into a depression every time evidence showed the opposite. There has been a lot of doubt, worry, impatience and sadness, while at the same time, I was proclaiming my belief that we would have twins. Our pastor introduced the ’Circle Maker’ with a 4 week series on the book in January. It piqued our interest and so we decided to read the book for ourselves.

Even though I felt strongly about God’s promise to us, I was praying for twins. In the book, the author encourages those who have a promise from God to thank Him for it instead of praying for it just as if we already have it. So we began to do that and because of that have begun to prepare for it. In another chapter, he encourages people to draw circles around their prayers by risking their reputation and telling people about it before the promise is received. I am certainly risking my reputation by talking about this before I have even conceived. I had planned to tell the whole story after I had conceived them to more than just friends, church and close family. Those who know me well know that I want and even expect twins. I have not kept that a secret. Most of all, I am putting God’s reputation on the line and He will always follow through. The final thread to this was today, I was writing a letter to my sister in law expressing my struggle with ‘infertility,’ but then followed up with telling her that I believed God’s promise for us. The utter absurdity of that hit me like a ton of bricks. How can I believe and worry/doubt/despair at the same time? I love God. I believe God. I know He will follow through on His promise, so why am I having such trouble with not being pregnant yet? Yes, impatience is a big part of it, but I trust His timing too. I have been letting my joy in the circumstance be stolen away. I have let my faith be rocked by physical appearances. As I wrote that letter today, I felt God telling me to ‘Tell more people.’ It is a move of faith for me. A risk of my reputation staked on a promise the only One who keeps promises has given.

Why do I want twins? Because it is the desire God has put in my heart. There is no other reason. It is the instrument He is using to make me more like Him, to give a testimony of His goodness and faithfulness and to grow the faith of others whether you are following hard after Him and running hard in the opposite direction. I also believe He has something big planned for them (as I do for my son). They will have a story to tell about their life before it even began. God had a plan for them and put the desire for their existence in their mother’s heart long before they ever appeared on this planet. We will not be doing more than the conventional method of getting pregnant. No drugs, no surgery, no adoption. This is for His glory and His alone. Anything less is meaningless.

Please feel free to pass this on, even if you don't know me.  Help me to draw the circle ever wider.  I could look like the craziest woman in history, but that's okay with me if it makes people see God for who He really is - a promise maker and a promise keeper.

Judge & Jury

A couple of weeks ago, I took my almost 3 year old son to an indoor playground at a nearby mall. My little man is all boy and loves to wrestle and tackle and has been known to bite when overwhelmed. I sat down with him before I sent him off to play and warned him that we would have to leave if he wrestled, tackled or bit anyone. He did great! He steered clear of the other kids and played his heart out. We took a break for lunch and went back to the playground for a little more playtime with his best friend before we headed for home. He was showing some signs of getting tired, so I was keeping a close eye on him and soon found him pushing another little boy rather aggressively. I rushed over, got him away from the situation and gave him a good talking to. The father of the little boy was understandably upset at my son for pushing his son, but as he walked away, he said, under his breath, “What the h--- is wrong with that kid?” Well, the mama bear in me rose up and I, uncharacteristically, asked, “Did you just say what’s wrong with him?” I then gave him a bit of a tongue lashing for judging my son on a 15 second experience.

Yes, what my son did was wrong. I knew that and was disappointed with his behavior, but I didn’t like that someone else thought they had him all figured out and labeled him as having something ‘wrong’ with him. It made me think. A lot.

First of all, for me resisting the temptation to be judgmental is a minute by minute battle. It comes naturally. That doesn’t make it right, just a harder battle to fight. It was a reminder to me that I have no right to judge another person because I don’t know anything more than what I see in the moment or at best, small snippets of that person’s life. What didn’t that dad not know about my son? Well, he really is a very sweet boy. He loves to snuggle. He tells me he loves me several times a day. He tells me he likes me several times a day. Anytime he does something fun, he wants to take a friend the next time, so they get to enjoy it too. I have never had to teach him to share. Just that day, he had been slapped and shoved by other kids, but had not touched another child himself until that moment. All that man saw was a bad moment in a great day. None of us know what another person is going through or what there struggles are.

Secondly, I got a view of how God feels when we judge others. We’re all His kids. Talk about a Papa Bear! When we make judgments on others, we are putting ourselves in God’s role and implying that we somehow know others better than He does. I, as a mom, have grace for my son’s learning curve. I know his personality and his struggles and love him in spite of anything he may do wrong. God feels the same way about His kids. When we judge others, we get a heavenly ‘Excuse me?! That’s my kid you’re talking about!’

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-5

  The third thing I thought about was that this man was caught off guard when he realized I had heard him. He actually left shortly after the incident. Would we conduct ourselves differently if the person we were judging could here what we were saying? Judgment begins in our thoughts, but becomes something more when we verbalize it (Prov 26:22). This is sobering for me. In this situation, my son didn’t hear this man’s judgment on him, but I did. It hurt thinking someone could think of my sweet little boy like that. He didn’t know I stepped in and defended him. We don’t realize God does that for us. When we judge someone else, God steps in and advocates for them. He reminds us of how we would feel if someone said the same of us or what it would be like it that person heard what we said. He does the same for us.

We tend to judge others based on our own standards and rules. It is self-righteousness. How well are you following them yourself? It’s something that the Lord is working on in me, daily. Just because someone does something differently than I do, doesn’t make it wrong. And if someone is doing something wrong, we are told to ‘Speak the truth in love” (Eph 4:15) to encourage and spur each other on. Instead of judging others, we would do better to show love and gain God’s view of others and ourselves.